It's Okay If Your Grief Is Heavier This Season
I really didn't even want to write this, but I know when I feel resistance it's normally because I actually need to get it off my chest, out of my head and onto paper... or the web.
I've been dealing with grief lately. Not just the kind where you cry and feel it as it comes up, but the kind that makes you sick to your stomach, gives you headaches for days, tension in your neck and jaw, brain fog and depression. The kind that lives in your body.
Grief isn't a one-time thing. It recurs. Different things bring it to the surface.
The grief I've been feeling isn't even fully from the people I've lost in my life, but from my own mourning of what little Brooke thought life would look like versus what life looks like now. She thought she'd be married by now, have a kid or two. Instead, I'm living alone. It can be okay that it's different than what I pictured 20 years ago, and it can also be okay that I feel grief around the fact that it isn't what I thought it would be. Both things can be true. It's really hard. Difficult to navigate at times, because it feels immensely overwhelming.
Then there's the grief I feel for the people around me—ones who have lost loved ones, the hurt they feel, the first holiday season without their loved one. It just feels like all too much. We can't handle it on our own, but I just wrestle with God about the things of this world: "Why does it have to be this way?" I'm still wrestling with it. I actually read a devotional saying that we don't wrestle with the things of God, but wrestle with the ways of this world. That's been sitting with me since this morning.
The Grief About Grief
I've learned that I am the reason my grief feels so heavy sometimes. I still judge it, quite honestly. I still judge myself for crying over someone who has been in heaven for almost 8 years now, someone who has now been gone for more years than we had together. I judge my grief, which then ultimately keeps me stuck and not able to fully feel what needs to come up. I feel like I haven't allowed the grief to flow because of my judgment and criticalness around it.
I got emotional about writing a name on a Christmas gift. Something so small, so ordinary, and yet it brought everything to the surface.
The irony is, I would never judge anyone else for feeling this way.
Time and the Holidays
Time makes me feel grief too and maybe that's why grief tends to be elevated during the holidays. Another year is done and it's another year without that person, or that raise, or that husband, or wife, or child, or whatever you may be grieving. It's hard. It's difficult, and I just want you to know that I feel it too.
From so many different angles. Some days I can barely stand—it feels like my body is sinking in quicksand and I'm barely going to make it to the next day. Not to mention, we're supposed to be some of the most extroverted people during the holidays, and it feels like we just never really get a full break.
Rest
I believe our bodies need much more rest than what we give them. Especially when grief lives in our bodies the way it does—it's exhausting. We have to make sure our bodies get enough rest because carrying all of that is draining. Not just sitting on the couch watching TV, scrolling (hello, @ me), but actual deep restorative rest. Turning off your mind, sitting in the peace and presence of Jesus. I haven't really done that either, and that's most likely why I've felt so off too.
Winter itself invites us to slow down and rest. The sun goes down earlier, the days are shorter, the earth is quieter. It's like God made this season for us to do less, to lean into the rhythm of rest He designed. But instead we pack our schedules fuller than ever.
But it's like, that's just life, right? And I'm over here thinking... but what if it doesn't have to be lik that?
Grace for You
Anyways, I always have so many different thoughts when I write a blog—it's hard for me to stay on topic sometimes.
But I just want to extend grace to you this season. If this year is harder for you, I want you to know it's okay to take time, to breathe, to not rush through this holiday season like everything is urgent. Allow yourself to be wrapped in the arms of the Wonderful Counselor and Prince of Peace this season.
It's okay if your grief is heavier this season—mine is too.
“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11
